Posts Tagged ‘Relationship Counselor’

After years of seeing distressed couples as a licensed marriage and family therapist in my office in San Diego, I have learned that love can be messy. Relationship counseling offers couples a counseling opportunity to take on the work of deepening their love in the face of current challenges they are facing.

Judith Viorst got it right when she said, “One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you maybe fall in love again.” Couples who come into marriage  expecting it to be easy are deluding themselves. The good news is that it is in the triumphs over challenges that love can deepen.

It is a “given” that infatuation has a limited shelf life. There is something a bit delusional that drives the euphoria of infatuation. A physical attraction combined with one’s wish to find a companion with whom he/she has a lot in common drives the “urge to merge.” Over time, as warts begin to appear, all the hopes and dreams one pins on a person in one’s wish for a “perfect union” may become shattered. The people who once reflected one another in such a flattering way may begin to find fault or seem less exited. Now, instead of euphoria, one or both become reactive, as they stand by watching another dream crumble. Once again, Judith Viorst shows remarkable insight when she says, “Many of us are done with adolescence before we are done with adolescent love.”Many people seek counseling trying to re-establish that blind euporia that comes from infatuation.

The deeper, more mature love that poets have written about for centuries is borne of hard work and effort. In the case of love, effort means having the capacity to see your part when there are problems and being a proactive rather than a reactive partner. Realistic expectations and the ability to see one’s part in a difficult relational challenge remain part of what defines the successful couple. To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s model of marriage and family therapy practice, visit her website at http://www.cuuninghamtherapy.comor call 619 9906203 for a complimentary consultation.

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As a marriage and family therapist in San Diego, I practice couples therapy and individual therapy using an intergenerational perspective. I specialize in helping couples and individuals live more meaningfully in their most important relationships. Relationship counseling and individual counseling is better to seek sooner rather than later when one experiences chronic challenges in relational functioning. Research has shown that couples typically wait 6 years before seeking couples counseling. It is wiser to get help earlier and before problems fester, causing resentments to harden and become more resistant to treatment.

Dr. Murray Bowen was a pioneer of marriage and family therapy.   He believed that human beings live in interdependent emotional systems. His insights are profound. I am guided, in large part, by his ideas. James Framo, another early MFT leader, observed that clinically, Bowen’s ideas address the basic question of how one can deal with one’s family’s nuttiness without cutting off from the family. Just as Socrates urged people, “Know thyself,” Dr. Bowen encouraged people to “Know your family.”  Such an effort can enhance one’s ability to live in a more fulfilled way in one’s current relationships. Below are *five quotes that typify Bowen’s deep and unique  level of understanding of the human condition:

“Schizophrenia is made up of the essence of human experience  many times distilled. With our incapacity to look at ourselves, we have much to learn about ourselves by studying the least mature among us.” -M. Bowen

“One of the most important aspects of family dysfunction is an equal degree of overfunction in another part of the family system. It is factual that dysfunctioning and overfunctioning exist together.” -M. Bowen

“The overall goal [of counseling] is to help family members become ‘systems experts’ who could know [their] family system so well that the family could readjust itself without the help of an expert.” -M. Bowen

“The basic building block of any emotional system is the triangle.” -M. Bowen

“The ‘Emotional Shock Wave’ is a network of underground ‘aftershocks’ of serious life events that can occur anywhere in the extended family system in the months or years following serious emotional events in the family.” -M. Bowen

Dr. Cunningham specializes in seeing couples and individuals in her office in the heart of San Diego. To learn more about her insight-based, intergenerational model of practice and get some tips just for stopping by, visit her website at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com

You may also receive a complimentary telephone consultation by calling her at 619 9906203.

*Five quotes from Dr. Murray Bowen are cited within a book entitled FAMILY THERAPY IN CLINICAL PRACTICE (1978) by Murray Bowen (Jason Aronson: Northvale, NJ).

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 Oftentimes, I get calls from potential clients who say their partner finally agreed to “come along” to therapy even though they insist they are not the one that “needs” it. Most of the time, people who rail on about how the other person needs the help are anxious and frightened to look at their part in a relationship problem. They are afraid that if they admit to even a small part in the relational problem, their partner will use it “against them” and they will be even more unhappy. A competent therapist can see that both people are free to state their truths without being “clobbered” by the other person. Anne Morrow Lindbergh had it right when she said, “If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.” Relationship counseling should provide a safe, holding environment so that each partner can feel confident that if they are called upon to self-examine and then to change an aspect of their behavior, the benefits will far outweigh the costs of admitting fallibility. In my practice, clients are routinely called upon to look at their own part in the relational dance, to have the courage to make changes in their way of coming toward their partner, and to look at ways they are being frightened and moving “away” rather than moving in the relationship as an effective partner. To be able to look within and then to be able to look at your part takes courage. Relationship counseling is definitely not for sissies! To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s model of relationship counseling, click on “model of practice” at her web site: http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation. Relationship counseling is a proven way to begin to heal the attachment wounds that may be impacting your couplehood. The longer you wait to call, the more work will need to be done. Call now and get started on a path of healing and love.

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