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Posts Tagged ‘Premarital Counseling San Diego’

At Affordable Relationship Counseling in San Diego, CA , licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Barbara Cunningham, often sees clients who present with issues of loneliness around the holidays. It seems that people feel a heightened sense of loss around Thanksgiving and Christmas. Television, movies, magazines, and advertisments seem to emphasize pictures of happy families that are a stark contrast to what people wish they had in their own lives. Often times burned bridges and broken dreams come into bold relief at this time of the year and make it most difficult for people to get through the days of gift giving, Christmas carols, and holiday mirth. Allowing people a safe holding environment to process feelings of vulnerability may be a beginning point.  It takes courage to begin the therapy process. Talk therapy is a proven way to begin. Research has shown that isolation is not good for one’s overall health. If one is not connected, or feels isolated, one is at risk for myriad health problems. Human beings are a social species.  Adaptation to loss can, over time, bring increased integrity and deeper meaning to life. To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s strength based model of practice, call 619 9906203 or visit her website at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com to get more information.

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 At Affordable Relationship Counseling, Dr. Cunningham encourages couples to keep it fresh!  Generating creative ways to have fun together is one way to celebrate your commitment to one another. Such efforts help to make your relationship remain new and exciting. With Valentines Day just over a month away, why not surprise one another with dates that are outside the norm for several weekends in February? If you focus on doing your part to excite your partner with fun and adventure, you increase the chance that you will not need to seek couples counseling down the road. Here are a few ideas to create a unique experience that will result in a special relationship memory.

1. Create a five-star dining experience in your own backyard. Cover outdoor table with white linen. Decorate with a  floral centerpiece and candles. Play some background music…soft, sensual, romantic. Each of you prepare a surprise dish to accompany dinner or dessert. Be sure to take a picture or three for posterity!

2. Make your own conversation cards. Get a package of 3×5 index cards. Each partner generates 5 questions or topics that they are truly interested in learning more about the thinking of their partner. Print these questions or topics out on five cards each. Plan a “talk to one another” night. Make popcorn…or have a glass of wine. Take turns pulling a card. Talk. Practice active listening skills. Show your interest by asking more questions. Make eye contact. Body language and facial expressions should reflect engagement. Laugh. Kiss. Hug.  Be conscious of your own communication skills.

3. Write a poem together.

4. Agree to make your Valentines Day gifts to one another music. Make a romantic and personal collection to share with your partner. Play some of the music on a craft evening, when you make a collage together that in one way or another reflects your favorite memories throughout the history of your relationship.

5. Create couples‘ gratitude jars. Decorate each jar with a name tag and some ribbon. Spend one month looking to find things that you like about your partner or their behavior in a given moment. Write it out. Be specific. Fold  up each paper detailing and dating it. Put it in the jar. Try to find at least a couple of things each day. Open your jars on Valentine’s Day.

You both can enjoy generating more ideas that result in new and fun experiences. If you are interested in picking up some free relationship tips, browse Dr. Cunningham’s website: http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or if you think relationship counseling may be right for you at this point in your relationship, you can receive a complimentary telephone consultation by calling 619 9906203.

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It is the time of year during which people love to reconnect and feel the warmth of bonds that span the test of time. At Affordable Relationship Counseling San Diego, Dr. Cunningham enjoys this seasonal opportunity to offer her heartfelt wishes that everyone who has received treatment at her  practice, past and present, have a happy and healthy holiday and new year. In that spirit (and to spread a bit of Christmas/Chanukah cheer), the following story (received from a dear neighbor and friend) is shared below:

SANTA CLAUS AND GRANDMA

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: “There is no Santa Claus,” she jeered. “Even dummies know that!”

My grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of “world-famous” cinnamon buns. I knew they were world famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true. Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm.

Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. “No Santa Claus?” she snorted…”Ridiculous! Don’t believe it. That rumor has been going around for years and it makes me mad, plain mad! Now put on your coat, and let’s go.”

“Go? Go where, Grandma?” I asked. I hadn’t even finished my seond world-famous cinnamon bun. “Where” turned out to be Kerby’s General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everthing. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. “Take this money,” she said, “and buy something for someone who needs it, I’ll wait for you in the car.” Then she turned and walked out of Kerby’s.

I was only 8 years old. I’d often gone shopping with my mother, but never shoppped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping.

For a few moments, I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten dollar bill, wondering what to buy and who on earth to buy it for. I thought of everybody I knew; my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church.

I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock’s grade two class. Bobby didn’t have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn’t have a cough–he didn’t have a coat!

I fingered the ten dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat! I settled on red corduroy, one that had a hood. It looked real warm and he would like that. “Is this a Christmas present for someone?’ the lady behind the counter asked, as I laid my ten dollars down. “Yes, ma’am,” I replied shyly. “It’s for Bobby.” The nice lady smiled at me, put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, “To Bobby, From Santa Claus” on it. Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. She then drove me over to Bobby’s house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially one of Santa’s helpers. Grandma parked down the street from Bobby’s house and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge, “All right, Santa Claus,” she whispered, “get going.”

I took a deep breath, dashed for the front door, threw the presnt down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally, it did, and there stood Bobby. Fifty eight years haven’t dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker’s bushes.

That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said–they were ridiculous. Santa was alive and well and we were on his team. I still have the Bible with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.

May you always have LOVE to share, HEALTH to spare and FRIENDS who care…and may you always believe in the magic of Santa Claus!

Dr. Cunningham practices individual counseling and couples counseling for people who are looking to make better moves within their most important relationships. Stop by http://www.cunninghamtherapy.com and pick up some free counseling tips just for looking around the site. Or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation to determine whether seeking psychotherapy is right for you!  It takes courage to begin an inward journey–make the call today!

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  In my private practice in San Diego, I work to provide quality services for marriage counseIing, relationship counseling, and individual psychotherapy. Oftentimes, I listen to young girls and women of all ages obsess about their weight, their appearance and their disappearing youth. I try to provide a safe holding environment as they work to relieve themselves of the overwhelming social pressures to be the prettiest, the skinniest, and the sexiest version of themselves they can create. I coach them to practice self care and take pride in themselves. However, I also coach them to make their life purpose revolve around what they can accomplish rather than merely upon a superficial and dangerous emphasis upon appearance and youth.

After talking at lunch with a close friend and colleague about the troubles of Demi Moore, I had a moment to reflect upon society’s demands to value appearance over substance. Magazines, movies, tv shows, and internet blogs seem to scream that “youth” trumps wisdom-that what we wear matters more than what we think. Some young women and many older women buy into this message so passionately that they kill themselves trying to meet these youthful, botoxed, skinny standards.

This week,  ABC News reported on Demi Moore’s downward spiral as reflecting her obsession with losing weight and battling against the clock as she approaches the big 5-0.  After public humiliation in the face of her estranged younger husband, Ashton Kutcher, betraying her with gorgeous, younger women, she seemingly dropped off her own psychological cliff. Demi appeared so emaciated in this week’s photos that she could have been mistaken for a cancer patient. Sad. Really sad. As she moves into a new decade, her refusal to eat seemed to say symbolically that she just could not swallow it. That she simply wants to disappear. 

Moore’s reported erratic behavior and alleged drug abuse sends a loud message to her daughters that adulthood is not fun and that aging gracefully must be for fools. She makes it appear that it is devastating to cross from youth to middle age. This woman’s daughters are learning deep lessons by watching their mother. Partying with their mother. Suffering as they watch their mother suffer. Wondering if growing older is really as devastating as Mom would have them believe. Moore reportedly gave an interview to Harper’s Bazaar and said, “What scares me is that I am ultimately going to find out at the end of my life that I am not really loveable, that I’m not worthy of being loved…that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.”

When daughters watch their mothers obsess about weight, worry about their changing appearances, be more ambitious about choosing their wardrobes than they are about the enduring consequences of their life choices and try to “hang” with and/or marry much younger men in an effort to cling to their own youth, they are receiving a devastating message. As mothers, we must realize that we are always modeling something–but what? In fact, the deepest lessons our daughters learn is by watching what we do, not what we say. So what are the lessons that we teach our daughters by our own actions?

Little girls learn at an early age if Mom is more concerned with style over substance. Sadly, Rumor, Scout and Talullah may have learned that their mother believes that her greatest value is in her appearance–that her validity as a human being is wrapped up in what she weighs, how she looks, and whether she is still “hot.” In a mad effort to deny her own mortality, she hangs with young people and seemingly tries to deny she is turning fifty with erratic behavior and recreational drugs. If Demi’s daughters are fortunate, they will look at life and their own intrinsic value differently than their mother. They will try to make meaning out of their life in a way that honors experience and wisdom over youth and appearance. Instead of survival of the prettiest, they will see their survival as being rooted in resilience-in the lessons they can discover that are present, but must be uncovered, in each of their life challenges.  Hopefully, Ms. Moore will benefit from professional help so that she can turn her life around. As a woman and as a mother who is facing myriad challenges, she now has an opportunity to teach her children more about the meaning of life by giving new meaning to her own. She has the opportunity to show that there is no shame in stumbling if one picks themselves up from the fall. She can model the joy of recovery from all of the Sturm and Drang so publically displayed. She has the opportunity to review and perhaps modify her values that have privileged vanity over inner substance gained from a life well lived. She has the opportunity to bounce forward, not just back-because of, not in spite of, her recent adversities.

To learn more about Dr. Cunningham‘s strength-based practice, visit her website at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or call her at 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation.

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As a marriage and family therapist in San Diego, I practice couples therapy and individual therapy using an intergenerational perspective. I specialize in helping couples and individuals live more meaningfully in their most important relationships. Relationship counseling and individual counseling is better to seek sooner rather than later when one experiences chronic challenges in relational functioning. Research has shown that couples typically wait 6 years before seeking couples counseling. It is wiser to get help earlier and before problems fester, causing resentments to harden and become more resistant to treatment.

Dr. Murray Bowen was a pioneer of marriage and family therapy.   He believed that human beings live in interdependent emotional systems. His insights are profound. I am guided, in large part, by his ideas. James Framo, another early MFT leader, observed that clinically, Bowen’s ideas address the basic question of how one can deal with one’s family’s nuttiness without cutting off from the family. Just as Socrates urged people, “Know thyself,” Dr. Bowen encouraged people to “Know your family.”  Such an effort can enhance one’s ability to live in a more fulfilled way in one’s current relationships. Below are *five quotes that typify Bowen’s deep and unique  level of understanding of the human condition:

“Schizophrenia is made up of the essence of human experience  many times distilled. With our incapacity to look at ourselves, we have much to learn about ourselves by studying the least mature among us.” -M. Bowen

“One of the most important aspects of family dysfunction is an equal degree of overfunction in another part of the family system. It is factual that dysfunctioning and overfunctioning exist together.” -M. Bowen

“The overall goal [of counseling] is to help family members become ‘systems experts’ who could know [their] family system so well that the family could readjust itself without the help of an expert.” -M. Bowen

“The basic building block of any emotional system is the triangle.” -M. Bowen

“The ‘Emotional Shock Wave’ is a network of underground ‘aftershocks’ of serious life events that can occur anywhere in the extended family system in the months or years following serious emotional events in the family.” -M. Bowen

Dr. Cunningham specializes in seeing couples and individuals in her office in the heart of San Diego. To learn more about her insight-based, intergenerational model of practice and get some tips just for stopping by, visit her website at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com

You may also receive a complimentary telephone consultation by calling her at 619 9906203.

*Five quotes from Dr. Murray Bowen are cited within a book entitled FAMILY THERAPY IN CLINICAL PRACTICE (1978) by Murray Bowen (Jason Aronson: Northvale, NJ).

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In my San Diego marriage counseling and couples counseling practice, I have learned that our “automatic” response in the face of anxiety is to make the problem all about what our partner is doing wrong. Such a blaming attitude rarely moves a relationship forward. As a family systems specialist and relationship counselor, I encourage couples to focus on their own part in an unhelpful dynamic. In order to help them do so, I ask them to become a researcher on their own multigenerational context. Questions asked may, in part, answer “Who am I in the context of my relationship functioning and how did I get this way? What shaped me to be who I am as a husband, wife, or significant other?” This cognitive or “researcher” attitude inherently calms people down and decreases the anxious focus on symptoms or presenting issues. As each person calms down while doing research on their own family of origin, the couple can move into the next phase of directly engaging with problems that are present in the here and know.  The research on one’s own family engages the cognitive brain and cools down the emotional brain–emotionality usually dominates thoughtfulness and any effort to shift the balance can be helpful in moving forward in a more positive way in the couples’ challenges.

In an article entitled “Family Systems with Alcoholism, A Case Study,” Ann McKnight (1998) underlines the notion that information is power. She suggests several questions one might ask important members of one’s family of origin, some of which are listed below:

Can the family shift from viewing [an impairment or symptom] as an individual problem to viewing the [impairment or symptom] as a family problem?

Can the family come to view the [impairment or symptom] as a disguised opporunity to allow members to understand their relationship system rather than as a disease to be cured in an individual?

How do people in the family hold on to their personal boundaries?

How do family members manage to stay connected?

Are there many examples of emotional cutoffs between family members?

How do people play out underfunctioning and overfunctioning reciprocal positions in the family?

What is the maturity level of each person? Of the family? (Define emotional maturity as a combination of impulse control and whether a person can function in a hostile relationship environment whether at work or at school)

Look at the functioning of people in both work and in relationships. How many times were parents, aunts and uncles married? What did people do for a living?

How do certain family-of-origin patterns repeat themselves in subsequent generations, including in your nuclear family today?

How did people in the family-of-origin bind anxiety?

Can you identify any multigenerational patterns of strength in your multigenerational legacy?

Many other questions can be generated in order to become a scholar on oneself. In relationship counseling contexts, it is always helpful to learn more about one’s origins before focusing on what one’s part is in an unhelpful relationship dynamic. To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s model of practice, visit her website at http://www.cunninghamtherapy.com/ or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation.

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Nine psychological tasks for a good marriage

Research on what makes a marriage work shows that people in a good marriage have completed these psychological “tasks”:

  • Separate emotionally from the family you grew up in; not to the point of estrangement, but enough so that your identity is separate from that of your parents and siblings.
  • Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy.
  • Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations.
  • For couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby’s entrance into the marriage. Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple.
  • Confront and master the inevitable crises of life.
  • Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity. The marriage should be a safe haven in which partners are able to express their differences, anger and conflict.
  • Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom and isolation.
  • Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying each partner’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.
  • Keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.

Thanks to Judith S. Wallerstein, PhD, co-author of the book The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts and to Dr. Carolyn Jacobs, Director of Southern California Education and Training in Bowen Family Systems Theory and Psychotherapy.

To learn more about Dr. Cunningham‘s model of practice please visit her web site at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary phone conultation. It is better to seek marriage counseling earlier in the course of marital problems. Do not delay-call today!

 

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Relationship counseling
can be an avenue of personal growth in the service of improving the connection with your partner. In my model of couples counseling, partners become increasingly aware that being in an intimate relationship over the long haul calls upon both partners to self-regulate their  reactivity to one another at various times. It also requires that partners or spouses preserve their connection with the important other without sacrificing themselves: it necessitates that each partner has the capacity to hold onto their core values, principles, and non-negotiable bottom lines. This may mean that one may, at times, have to say difficult things despite risking disapproval. Similarly, if one hears difficult material from one’s partner, there is an opportunity to reinforce growth behavior in other by affirming the openness instead of clobbering one’s mate for being transparent just because what they had to say made us feel uncomfortable. Thus, it is in the context of relationship functioning that one can transcend self and move onto a path of personal growth. In his 1996  article entitled “Affect and the redefinition of intimacy” (In: Knowing, Feeling, Affect, Script and Psychotherapy, ed. D. Nathanson, New York: Norton, pp. 55-104), V. Kelly makes some important observations about relationships. What follows below is a direct quote of this material (and reflects my thinking on part of  what the the work should entail in relationship counseling):

“All close relationships require proximity that causes us to step on each other’s toes. If, for whatever reason, one does not say ‘ouch’ and communicate the distress experienced as a result of the other’s actions, a complex dilemma is created. The need to disguise the distress causes the inmost self to be hidden from the other. The distress, if unrelieved, eventually triggers anger and resentment that must also be hidden. This causes further withdrawal and hiding of the inmost self. The other, perhaps not even aware of the offense, experiences feeling of rejection triggered by the withdrawal, without information adequate to allow reestablishment of the intimate bond. Now hurt, this other may also resort to withdrawal, thus setting in motion a recursive loop of rejection and hurt” [pp. 87-88].

Understanding that the withholding of important emotions can be just as damaging to a relationship as perpetual nagging about intense emotions is only part of what one has to “get” in therapy. It is the co-determined nature of this dance that is also important. How often are our responses simply reactivity in response to our partner and how often are our responses truly reflective? This ability to know the difference between reactivity and reflectivity is part of  the art of living in relationships in a fulfilling way. On one hand, to be able to identify within ourselves when we are being reactive and when we are being reflective takes skill and sometimes patience (sometimes we just have to “buy time” and calm down before taking any action or saying something about a sensitive subject). Knowing how to stay connected to one’s partner while still preserving some separateness takes effort, emotional ambition, and continued practice. It is important to appreciate that the expression of one’s emotions is primarily relational. At Affordable Relationship Counseling, work is focused upon helping each partner identify and then modify their part in the relational dance to increase mutual satisfaction. Such an effort often results in personal growth as a result of learning new principles to address challenges one may have in remaining in a relationship.

To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s model of marriage counseling, couples counseling and individual counseling, visit her website at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or call her at 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation .

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At her Affordable Relationship Counseling practice in Mission Valley, San Diego’s Dr. Barbara Cunningham encourages couples and spouses to make time for a weekly date night. Below are some ideas for romantic date nights in San Diego:

Go to La Shores and walk around. Build a bonfire. View the sunset. Or take a bike and then have a picnic on the grass.

Watch the fireworks from Sea World–enjoy an awesome evening under the stars after a glass of wine at sunset on Mission Bay.

Take a sunset or winetasting cruise through the waters of Coronado Island. Cruising through the water in a gondola–can you think of anything more romantic?

Take a horse drawn carriage ride through Balboa Park or ride along the coast in your Cinderella carriage.

Go to a drive-in movie (South Bay Drive-In Theatre, 2170 Coronado Ave, San Diego, CA 92154)

Have dinner and hear live music at Anthropology (1337 India Street, San Diego, CA 92101)–very intimate setting!

Take a blanket, a picnic, and people watch in Balboa Park after choosing one of many museums to explore. Then go to Screen on the Green (1549 El Prado, San Diego, CA 92101)

Date nights that occur weekly build the connection between you. Do not let other things knock this important time off the calendar. Find a good babysitter. Make your time together each week sacred. To learn more about Dr. Cunningham‘s model of practice, visit her web site at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary consultation.

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What is it about  marriage that calls upon us to stretch and grow? It is the frustration and the problems that emerge that require of us new approaches and behaviors within ourselves. Instead, we often find ourselves trying to “fix” or to change the other guy. This will not work.  McLaughlin once said, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

Pain and frustration can be great teachers. If one bends into problems instead of turning away and making it about the other guy, one can get a lot more bang for one’s buck in terms of personal growth and emotional development.  Long lasting, satisfying marriages reflect two partners who have the emotional maturity to “stay with it,” even during the stormiest of times.

Every relationship has a dynamic, a vibe. It is always co-created. We are either in sinc with one another or in reaction to one another, depending on the day and/or context. If relationships are co-created, they can be compared to dances. If you change one step, you have the possibility of changing the dance. This notion of infinite choices in terms of how to respond is a hopeful idea. It means there is always something else that can be done to change it up.

To learn more about my model of marriage counseling, please visit me at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.comor call 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation.

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