Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Gay Counseling’

At Affordable Relationship Counseling, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Barbara Cunningham, offers insightful counseling for individuals and couples.  Psychotherapy can provide an opportunity to improve peoples’ capacity to see their part in problematic relationship dynamics. As Valentines Day approaches, some couples may be reminded that they have needed couples counseling for a long time and have simply been putting it off. It takes courage to embark upon a course of marriage counseling, relationship counseling, or individual counseling aimed at sorting out relationship questions. It requires people to search within and stop” fingerpointing,” expecting the marriage and family therapist to “fix” their partner.  Dr. Bowen’s natural family systems approach can offer frustrated couples a new way to think about what is happening between them. Indeed, this model of therapy can empower people by creating a growing knowledge that the only person they can change is themselves. What is exciting is that a change in one will predictably produce change in the dynamic flowing between two people over time.  Listed below are some quotes from Dr. Bowen that seem applicable to couples looking for a way toward increased fulfillment and greater satisfaction in their relationship. These quotes are taken from various chapters in the book entitled Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (Murray Bowen, 1978):

(Relationships often cycle)…”through intense closeness, conflict that provides a period of emotional distance, the makeup, and another period of intense closeness.”  (p. 204)

“Many spouses experience the closest and most open relationship in their adult lives during courtship.” (p. 203)

“Two spouses begin a marriage with lifestyle patterns and levels of differentiation developed in their families-of-origin. Mating, marriage, and reproduction are governed to a significant degree by emotional-instinctual forces. The way the spouses handle them in dating and courtship and in timing and planning the marriage provides one of the best views of the level of differentiation of the spouses. The lower the level of differentiation [the cornerstone of Bowen family systems theory], the greater the potential problems for the future.” (p. 376)

“People pick spouses who have the same levels of differentiation.” (p. 377)

“Early thoughts about marriage and children are more prominent in the female than the male….A female whose early thoughts and fantasies go more to the children they will have than the man they will marry, tend to become the mothers of impaired children.” (p. 380)

“Differentiation deals with working on one’s own self [in the context of relationship], with controlling self, with becoming a more responsible person, and permitting others to be themselves.” (p. 409)

Thus, if Valentines Day is a disturbing reminder that you remain frustrated and “stuck” in negative cycles as a couple or with your partner, perhaps the holiday is a good time to take charge and make the call to a marriage counselor or relationship therapist. Dr. Cunningham offers evening hours to accommodate working couples and a complimentary 15 minute telephone consultation to see if it makes sense to book an initial appointment. She can be reached at 619 9906203.  Do not delay-make the call today!

 

Read Full Post »

It is the time of year during which people love to reconnect and feel the warmth of bonds that span the test of time. At Affordable Relationship Counseling San Diego, Dr. Cunningham enjoys this seasonal opportunity to offer her heartfelt wishes that everyone who has received treatment at her  practice, past and present, have a happy and healthy holiday and new year. In that spirit (and to spread a bit of Christmas/Chanukah cheer), the following story (received from a dear neighbor and friend) is shared below:

SANTA CLAUS AND GRANDMA

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: “There is no Santa Claus,” she jeered. “Even dummies know that!”

My grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of “world-famous” cinnamon buns. I knew they were world famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true. Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm.

Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. “No Santa Claus?” she snorted…”Ridiculous! Don’t believe it. That rumor has been going around for years and it makes me mad, plain mad! Now put on your coat, and let’s go.”

“Go? Go where, Grandma?” I asked. I hadn’t even finished my seond world-famous cinnamon bun. “Where” turned out to be Kerby’s General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everthing. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. “Take this money,” she said, “and buy something for someone who needs it, I’ll wait for you in the car.” Then she turned and walked out of Kerby’s.

I was only 8 years old. I’d often gone shopping with my mother, but never shoppped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping.

For a few moments, I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten dollar bill, wondering what to buy and who on earth to buy it for. I thought of everybody I knew; my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church.

I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock’s grade two class. Bobby didn’t have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn’t have a cough–he didn’t have a coat!

I fingered the ten dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat! I settled on red corduroy, one that had a hood. It looked real warm and he would like that. “Is this a Christmas present for someone?’ the lady behind the counter asked, as I laid my ten dollars down. “Yes, ma’am,” I replied shyly. “It’s for Bobby.” The nice lady smiled at me, put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, “To Bobby, From Santa Claus” on it. Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. She then drove me over to Bobby’s house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially one of Santa’s helpers. Grandma parked down the street from Bobby’s house and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge, “All right, Santa Claus,” she whispered, “get going.”

I took a deep breath, dashed for the front door, threw the presnt down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally, it did, and there stood Bobby. Fifty eight years haven’t dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker’s bushes.

That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said–they were ridiculous. Santa was alive and well and we were on his team. I still have the Bible with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.

May you always have LOVE to share, HEALTH to spare and FRIENDS who care…and may you always believe in the magic of Santa Claus!

Dr. Cunningham practices individual counseling and couples counseling for people who are looking to make better moves within their most important relationships. Stop by http://www.cunninghamtherapy.com and pick up some free counseling tips just for looking around the site. Or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation to determine whether seeking psychotherapy is right for you!  It takes courage to begin an inward journey–make the call today!

Read Full Post »

Dr. Cunningham often hears couples come to marriage counseling and relationship counseling with issues related to anger. Each partner often begins couples counseling with a wish for the therapist to “fix” the other.  Counseling aims to help each partner increase their capacity to visualize their own part in the dance. This increased self-responsility to at once be true to expressing your feelings to your intimate other and, still, to decrease blaming him/her is an overarching goal of most psychotherapy within my model, no matter what the presenting problems.

In his book entitled TO A DANCING GOD: NOTES OF A SPIRITUAL TRAVELER, Sam Keen has a dialogue with anger (pp. 114-119).  Anger says, “If you doubt that I am the companion of love, remember the ecstasy of the reconciliation that comes after fighting. After a good expression of clean anger, lovers have established the integrity of their separateness, and they may come together without fearing that either will be eradicated by the act of love. If you can’t fight, you can’t love.”

Interestingly, this quote from Keen has been backed up by specific research in the field. John Gottman’s research disspelled a prevalent myth about marriage. He found that fighting is not predictive of divorce. If couples are engaged with one another and learn principles of “fair” fighting, learning more effective ways to resolve conflict can, in fact, lead the way to deepening relational growth. Notably, important work by John Gottman identified lethal forms of communication between partners that were predictive of divorce and he called them the four “Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (stonewalling, criticism, contempt, and defensiveness). He found that these communication patterns in relationships were dangerous to holding relationships on a course of stability and longevity.

Thus, Keen’s quote is backed up by Gottman’s empirical findings.  Anger that is not expressed or held back may be classified as a kind of stonewalling. So-called happy couples may be ignoring or hiding the anger that exists within and between them. Marital partners who are more able to express anger in a timely, reflective, and respectful manner, especially with a Gottman technique that he referrs to as “soft startups,”  may be more adept at repair attempts and thus are more likely to stay together in a more fulfilling way.

Anger has to be a respected member of the partnership. If not, the couple may not be genuine with themselves or with each other. Furthermore, anger unrecognized or in disguise may be more dangerous than when it is out in the open and dischargeable. Hidden anger can lead to sudden disruptions, including failure in the marriage, a damaged sex life, domestic violence, and anxious child-rearing that may even lead to child abuse. When unconscious and unexpressed anger festers, it grows and becomes regressively more primitive.

If one considers the tasks of loving from the perspective of  Bowen Family Systems Theory, lovers must also be able to establish the integrity of their separateness if they are to remain connected as effective marital partners. If partners are fused too tightly, they will not be able to come together without fearing eradication by the other. Bowen would wholeheartedly agree with Keen that lovers who can cleanly express their anger are likely to be more engaged lovers. Lovers must have a bottom line and be differentiated enough to not “cave in” or accommodate to another just because they fear losing the relationship if they do not give in. Those who can make a move for “self” are also able to freely choose to make a move for “other” instead of just going along, with resentment following closely behind. They are able to be at choice about when they wish to be separate and when they wish to be connected while, at the same, they have a greater capacity to respect a differing need for closeness and/or distance at various times in their partner.

Makeup sex often occurs without a clear resolution to existing problems. It occurs because the couple just gets tired of fighting and feeling all the  negative energy and want to restore the illusion that they are really doing ok without necessarily doing the work to get there. In my view, an accurate description of problems brought to therapy always addresses the reciprocity between a couple and one’s ability to identify or visualize one’s own part in a dynamic. The “automatic” impulse is to focus on what is wrong with other instead of working to see what one’s own part may be and then moving toward changing it. Part of the work in “fair” fighting, from my perspective, then,  is the capacity to “step up” and see what you can do to shift the unhelpful dynamic that led to the fight. Makeup sex can feel goodin the moment, but may be a mere escape from taking responsibility on your end to make things better in the longterm. Makeup sex that does not include each partner’s effort to change can feel euphoric, but without the promise of future increased connectedness. Some people have compared the feeling to getting high on cocaine.

The more you love, the more susceptible you are to being hurt. When a person is hurt, the natural response is anger in some form or other. While anger is a painful emotion, it also brings wakefulness, alertness, and, if it does not burn out of control, can even lead to clearer thinking and action about one’s own functioning in relation to important others. Anger is an emotion creeping into many of our expressions. Problems are tackled, obstacles are attacked, roadblocks are smashed, fears are conquered, and skills are mastered. I believe that it is not enough to be angry about some things.  If you can be aware of your anger, express it with an eye to including in your expression what you have done to trigger such anger-provoking behavior in another, and fight fairly, then you will discover that you can love better and not be in a state of chronic festering resentment Anger needs to be expressed and recognized as an integral part of life and living. At one time or another, it  is part of being transparent to a significant other. Being emotionally “naked” with another is difficult;  the process of this effort describes the challenges in the journey toward increasing transparency. As David Schnarch noted in his book entitled PASSIONATE MARRIAGE, this capacity to increase transparency can lead to what he refers to as ” wall socket sex.”  Certainly, the expression of anger in a nonblaming manner with an eye to what one has done to trigger the other to behave in ways that inspire anger is a helpful, systemic approach to conflict resolution. To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s model of practice, visit her website at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary phone consultation.

Read Full Post »

As a marriage and family therapist in San Diego, I practice couples therapy and individual therapy using an intergenerational perspective. I specialize in helping couples and individuals live more meaningfully in their most important relationships. Relationship counseling and individual counseling is better to seek sooner rather than later when one experiences chronic challenges in relational functioning. Research has shown that couples typically wait 6 years before seeking couples counseling. It is wiser to get help earlier and before problems fester, causing resentments to harden and become more resistant to treatment.

Dr. Murray Bowen was a pioneer of marriage and family therapy.   He believed that human beings live in interdependent emotional systems. His insights are profound. I am guided, in large part, by his ideas. James Framo, another early MFT leader, observed that clinically, Bowen’s ideas address the basic question of how one can deal with one’s family’s nuttiness without cutting off from the family. Just as Socrates urged people, “Know thyself,” Dr. Bowen encouraged people to “Know your family.”  Such an effort can enhance one’s ability to live in a more fulfilled way in one’s current relationships. In an early post I listed five of my favorite quotes from Murray Bowen. Below are *more quotes that typify Bowen’s deep and unique  level of understanding of the human condition:

“Family systems theory is based on the assumptions that the human is a product of evolution and that human behavior is significantly regulated by the same natural processes that regulate the behavior of all other living things….Homo sapiens are far more like other life forms than different from them.”

“One of the most important aspects of family dysfunction is an equal degree of overfunction in another part of the family system. It is factual that dysfunctioning and overfunctioning exist together. ..An example would be the dominating (overfunctioning) mother and passive father.”

“The more a therapist learns about a family, the more the family learns about itself; and the more the family learns, the more the therapist learns, in a cycle which continues.”

“The overall [clinical] goal [is] to help family members become ‘system experts’ who could know [their family system] so well that the family could readjust itself without the help of an outside expert, if and when the family system was again stressed.”

“Relationships are cyclical. There is one phase of calm, comfortable closeness. This can shift to anxious, uncomfortable overcloseness with the incorporation of the ‘self” of one by the ‘self ‘ of the other. There there is the phase of distant rejection in which the two can literally repel each other. In some families, the relationship can cycle through the phases at frequent intervals. In oher families, the cycle can stay relatively fixed for long periods.”

“The basic building block of any emotional system is the triangle. ”

“Important changes [between the couple] accompany the birth of children.”

“The problem of the ‘triangled’ child presents one of the most difficult problems in family psychotherapy.

Dr. Murray Bowen was one of the important pioneers in marriage and family therapy. As a clinician who specializes in relationship counseling, I am guided, in large part, by his ideas. To learn more about my model of practice, visit me at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation.

* Quotes are cited from FAMILY THERAPY IN CLINICAL PRACTICE by Murray Bowen (1978)

Read Full Post »

See full size image

One of my clients complains that it is almost predictable that when she and her husband have had a weekend that has been unusually close and harmonious, he will invariably start a fight or put up walls to push her away. She recalls how wonderfully he surprised her with a phenomenal anniversary staycation. She was so impressed with his efforts, so touched by his many acts of tenderness and affection-indeed, the weekend was full of positive and unforgettable memories. Then, BOOM! He started a fight with her over some trivial issue that neither of them could remember in session. When one thinks about this phenomenon, it seems contradictory that problems would develop right after good times. Yet I hear similar stories frequently in my practice! So what gives?

I believe that safe and secure bonds make for an intimacy that can stand the test of time. One area of unsafety for one partner may set up a mirror opposite area of unsafety for the other partner. For example, I have a married client who is pursuer. She is always going after her partner for “more.” He becomes reactive to her hot pursuit and then distances even more. And herein lies their troublesome sequence, which escalates the second one partner either makes a further move “toward” or the other partner makes a further move “away.” In terms of unsafety, the pursuer has fears of being “left,” of being unimportant, unneeded, and maybe even being abandoned. The distancer has fears of being swallowed up by the relationship demands, feeling incorporated into the being of his wife, and of losing self. He begins to wonder where he stops and she begins. As Harriet Lerner insightfully notes, “Many of our problems…occur when we choose between having a relationship and having a self.”

There is hope for couples who get “stuck” in this unhelpful sequence. To be able to know how to remain, at times, separate from an intimate other while, at other times, remaining connected to an intimate other is, from my theoretical practice perspective, the stuff of healthy relationship dynamics that can stand the test of time. The effort to master this challenging but rewarding relationship dance takes time and a commitment to practicing theory between sessions. Please visit me at my website to learn more about my model of practice and get some free tips just for stopping: Just go to http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com and look around!
I welcome the opportunity to talk to you to see if it makes sense to book an initial appointment to begin a counseling experience!

 

 

Read Full Post »

Technology has allowed us to connect with more people who live farther away than ever before in history. Is this a blessing or is it a problem? Is technology a way that we can maintain the appropriate amount of distance that we need emotionally before we begin to feel emotionally crowded and then have to cut off? Can technology like Facebook actually wreck a relationship? Has technology ruined a relationship for you? While these questions are not addressed in the movie SOCIAL NETWORK, this is what came to mind for me as I watched the film unfold. I have had clients come to my practice with the misery of discovering something about their relationship with an important other by reading about it on Facebook. 

As the youngest billionnaire, Zuckerman has already become an icon in the 21st century world of communication. Facebook is an amazing social tool. The genius of its creators will long be honored as a marker of the early part of this century. Nevertheless, I wonder if your participation on Facebook has allowed you more than the mere ability to stay connected with old friends and make new ones. Think about it. Is it easier to be friends on a screen? Would you connect with “all” your friends on your list if given the choice and if you had the time? Do you have some Facebook friends that are fine for “The Wall,” but who you could never spend an afternoon chilling with?  Did you change your status to single on Facebook before you informed your former partner that you were doing so? Have you posted pictures of yourself with someone who was already attached and/or married?

To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s model of practice, which addresses the emotional connections most important in your lives and how to manage our competing needs for connectedness and distance, go to http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or call for a complimentary phone consultation.

Read Full Post »

 

One of my clients complains that it is almost predictable that when she and her husband have had a weekend that has been unusually close and harmonious, he will invariable start a fight or put up walls to push her away. She recalls how wonderfully he surprised her with a phenomenal anniversary staycation. She was so impressed with his efforts, so touched by his many acts of tenderness and affection-indeed, the weekend was full of positive and unforgettable memories. Then, BOOM! He started a fight with her over some trivial issue that neither of them could remember in session. When one thinks about this phenomenon, it seems contradictory that problems would develop right after good times. Yet I hear similar stories frequently in my practice! So what gives?

I believe that safe and secure bonds make for an intimacy that can stand the test of time. One area of unsafety for one partner may set up a mirror opposite area of unsafety for the other partner. For example, I have a married client who is pursuer. She is always going after her partner for “more.” He becomes reactive to her hot pursuit and then distances even more. And herein lies their troublesome sequence, which escalates the second one partner either makes a further move “toward” or the other partner makes a further move “away.” In terms of unsafety, the pursuer has fears of being “left,” of being unimportant, unneeded, and maybe even being abandoned. The distancer has fears of being swallowed up by the relationship demands, feeling incorporated into the being of his wife, and of losing self. He begins to wonder where he stops and she begins. As Harriet Lerner insightfully notes, “Many of our problems…occur when we choose between having a relationship and having a self.”

There is hope for couples who get “stuck” in this unhelpful sequence. To be able to know how to remain, at times, separate from an intimate other while, at other times, remaining connected to an intimate other is, from my theoretical practice perspective, the stuff of healthy relationship dynamics that can stand the test of time. The effort to master this challenging but rewarding relational dance takes time and a commitment to practicing theory between sessions. Please visit me at my web site to learn more about my model of practice and get some free tips just for stopping: Just go to http://www.cunninghamtherapy.com/ and look around!
I welcome the opportunity to talk to you!

Read Full Post »

         Counseling is a useful avenue toward affecting change in oneself and within one’s relationships. I believe that change does not happen in a comfort zone. Change happens inside the paradox of enough comfort for safety and enough discomfort to motivate a person to trade the familiar misery for the unfamiliar change. Thus, I think that there is an optimal amount of discomfort that is conducive toward motivating a person to change. If the discomfort is too overwhelming, the thinking part of the brain shuts down and new learning/insight cannot occur.  The person feels paralyzed by fear of the unknown. If the discomfort is decreased just enough to allow a person to tolerate the low-level misery (for example, with antidepressants), they are not motivated to move forward. Instead, they may wallow. They may become “emotional slackers.” Good counseling helps a person to change. When the therapist believes the client can “hear” a new point and/or the client’s ego defenses are intact enough to let go of an old effort at adaptation, the therapist may encourage the client to let go of defenses that no longer serve him/her as coping mechanisms.  Pearl Buck once said, “All birth is unwilling.” To push toward change and empowerment is akin to going to a fitness center for the heart. To develop the capacity to evolve is a lot like developing muscle. The more often you dare yourself to be brave and go to new emotional landscapes within your relationship systems, the braver you get! To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s model of practice, visit her web site at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com

Read Full Post »

In Elizabeth Gilbert’s popular book entitled EAT PRAY LOVE, she describes a common problem that presents itself in my couples counseling practice. That problem is a couple who have become so attached as to be joined at the hip. Dr. Murray Bowen described as fusion what Elizabeth Gilbert’s protagonist details below:

“Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. YOu can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time–everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain. I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word). I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and  more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

In this passage, Gilbert describes how NOT to have a love affair. In the last line of the quote, the protagonist (predictably) runs away to become infatuated with another. She allows herself to get smothered so that she cannot breathe. The survival instinct compels her to cut off from her original lover and get involved with another. She craves connection. She moves toward “togetherness” automatically as she begins a love relationship and preserves little self. She disappears into the other. This is a red flag. It foretells a high likelihood of  an eventual rupture in an intimate connection. To reduce this level of fusion with a romantic partner is to build insurance that the relationship can last. To learn more about this model of practice, visit http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com.

Read Full Post »

20140707-192412-69852722.jpgSeven Tips To Improve Your Marriage @ ClinicalPsychotherapists.comThe ability to achieve a fulfilling and long term marriage reflects emotional maturity and resilience. It is often taken for granted that successful marriages just “happen.” Indeed, I disagree. I think that marriage is not for children. Marriages require the best of one’s adulthood. It is necessary that each partner keep their eye on the prize, the success of the marriage. Below are seven tips to improve the quality of your marriage. At my Affordable Relationship Counseling practice in San Diego, I routinely counsel my clients in these areas, and they often report back to me their positive results.

1. Remember that love is a verb. If love is an action, keep your eye on what you are doing for the love between you. Do not make demands on your partner. Develop strategies to help you self-soothe your anxiety when he or she is not doing what you wish they would. There are myriad ways to self soothe, such as exercising, seeing a friend, doing a crossword, reading a book, writing a journal, or listening to some good music. Keep your focus on yourself rather than on your partner to get to a changed place in your dynamic. You cannot change another. The only person you can change is yourself.

2. Make your marriage the number one priority. This means that you have a weekly date night. Do not veer from this tradition except in the face of illness or an urgent work or school-related deadline. Make sure the date you plan involves time to talk rather than just viewing a movie.
Take turns planning the surprise date for the other. Develop a tradition just for the two of you, such as Care Days. With Care Days, you each select one day of the week that you will regularly be pampered with acts that each of you have previously identified to the other. These acts will be tangible, observable acts that make you feel as if your partner cares to make you feel good.

3. As individuals and as a couple, do not forget to acknowledge the triumphant things you have achieved separately and together. Keep your eye on what you are doing right rather than on what you have done wrong. Have a solution-focus, not a problem focus.

4. Develop your own assertiveness skills, In other words, know your bottom line. Decide what you will do and won’t do in relationship to your partner. And be proud that you are a principle-driven partner.

5. Consider all your “yes-es” carefully. Instead of just going along and accommodating in order to avoid making waves, be willing to say no. Also, do not let angers pile up like so many old clothes piled up in the middle of the room. They will clutter your positive feelings, create escalating resentment, and can lead to explosions. Monitor and express your truest feelings….self awareness and then the ability to “be a self” is key in good marriages.

6. Avoid what John Gottman, a pioneer in marriage and family therapy, calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Defensive communication, Critical communication, Contemptuous Communication, or Stonewalling (lack of communication). Research has shown that these forms of communication are lethal to a marriage.

7. Learn to respect–and even- celebrate difference in one another. Yes, opposites often attract. Learn to acknowledge the reciprocity in your relationship. Yin and Yang, Dark and Light, Close and Distant, Distancing and Pursuing, Over-functioning and under-functioning….these examples and other opposites are always at play in relationships as they are in life. Getting to acceptance on opposing and opposite forces and tolerating the contradictions is part and parcel of relational maturity.

If you want to learn more about my model of practice and pick up some more free tips just for stopping, come to http://www.cunninghamtherapy.com/ or call 619-990-6203 for a complimentary phone consultation.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

%d bloggers like this: