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Posts Tagged ‘couples counseling san diego’

At Affordable Relationship Counseling in San Diego, CA , licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Barbara Cunningham, often sees clients who present with issues of loneliness around the holidays. It seems that people feel a heightened sense of loss around Thanksgiving and Christmas. Television, movies, magazines, and advertisments seem to emphasize pictures of happy families that are a stark contrast to what people wish they had in their own lives. Often times burned bridges and broken dreams come into bold relief at this time of the year and make it most difficult for people to get through the days of gift giving, Christmas carols, and holiday mirth. Allowing people a safe holding environment to process feelings of vulnerability may be a beginning point.  It takes courage to begin the therapy process. Talk therapy is a proven way to begin. Research has shown that isolation is not good for one’s overall health. If one is not connected, or feels isolated, one is at risk for myriad health problems. Human beings are a social species.  Adaptation to loss can, over time, bring increased integrity and deeper meaning to life. To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s strength based model of practice, call 619 9906203 or visit her website at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com to get more information.

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Sex addiction is on the rise in India“Families with multiple generations of addiction often tell ‘war stories’ about the previous generation. Frequently, stories are told as jokes because they are so improbable. If grandpa was so drunk he missed the garage and drove into the living room, the family laughs as a defense against the tragedy and chaos of the event. For a child listening , such pandemonium can be concerning, but the child’s reality is everyone is laughing. The incongruity may make it hard for the child to ask questions. After all, if the situation is scary to you, but funny to everyone else, then there must be something wrong with your perceptions.”

-Dr. Patrick Carnes, Recovery Zone, Vol 1. (Pg 137)

Since San Diego’s Mayor Bob Filner has been a heated subject of controversy, the topic of sex addiction has dominated the air waves in our town. I have often depicted sex addiction as a disease of intimacy. Like all forms of addiction, I consider it an escape from uncomfortable emotions associated with close relationships with significant others. Addictive patterns that trigger compulsive behaviors often result in surges of neurochemical highs, whether from behaviors such as sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, eating, etc., and such behavioral habits can rarely be addressed in short term behavioral therapy. It took a long time for people to be wired by their formative experiences and it will take a long time to rewire their brains to react differently.

Make no mistake, I am a great believer in the transformative power of psychotherapy. I just do not believe in tips, tricks, tools and techniques…psychotherapy should not be “showtime.” It is process. I ask my clients to trust in the process. I ask them to be patient with the process. Developing insight takes time. Hard work. Asking the right questions should generate more questions. Sex addiction, like other addictions, is an ineffective coping mechanism used to self soothe and to escape from the discomfort of intimacy.  Those who would have sex without considering longterm, potential consequences to their behavior have an opportunity to look for ways to heal the wound within, so they can, over time and with a lot of hard work,  increase their capacity for intimacy. To learn more about Dr. Barbara Cunningham, MFT, visit her website at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation.

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At Affordable Relationship Counseling, , Dr. Barbara Cunningham offers couples counseling to couples expecting their first child. She encourages new parents to seek counseling as insurance, knowing that such transitions can add stress and create challenges going forward into new roles and responsibilities. With evening hours to accommodate working couples and affordable rates, Dr. Cunningham can work with couples to get them onto a path assuring success. As wonderful and miraculous as a new baby is to both parents, all change brings with it accompanying adjustment and resultant stress. To learn more about her expert marriage counseling services, visit her website at http://www.cunninghamtherapy.com or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation.

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At Affordable Couples Counseling in San Diego, California, licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Barbara Cunningham offers couples the opportunity to strengthen the foundation upon which their relationship rests. Research suggests that couples wait an average of six years before seeking help when their relationship is in trouble. The stigma attached to seeking professional help is still ever present in our society. Yet it is far cheaper and the course of therapy may be significantly shorter if couples begin sooner rather than later when their relationship becomes “stuck” in unhelpful patterns.

Premarital therapy offers couples opportunities to discuss hot button issues in a safe, holding environment with a neutral third party. Professionals can facilitate discussion and encourage the respect for difference typified in the healthiest of marriages.

Interestingly, one of the least happy times in marriage may be after the birth of the first child. Often times, the father may feel pushed to the “outside” with the demands of a newborn. Working on the marriage during the pregnancy and preparing for the birth may be a wise investment. A division of labor generated in advance, for example, is one idea that may be helpful.

Distancer/pursuer cycles can create chronic problems that increase the intensity of dissatisfaction on both sides. Such problems are better addressed early on.

To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s marriage counseling and couples counseling services, visit her website at http://wwww.Cunninghamtherapy.com or call her at 619 9906203 for a complimentary phone consultation

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Dr. Barbara Cunningham, licensed marriage and family therapist, often suggests books to her clients that may be an accompaniment to aspects of their treatment journey in couples counseling or individual counseling. One such recommendation to clients exploring existential themes has been EINSTEINS DREAMS by Alan Lightman. Below is a review of Lightman’s novel.

IMAGINING TIME

In the novel entitled EINSTEINS DREAMS, Alan Lightman challenges the reader with the possibilities within each of us for imagining time, existence, and relativity. Thirty dated vignettes describe notions of time imagined during young Einstein’s dream states. These entries are introduced by a prologue wherein the reader meets Einstein at precisely six ten a.m. at the patent office in Berne, Switzerland, his place of employment. It is on this morning in late June of 1905 that the protagonist submits his electrifying paper on the Special Theory of Relativity to a typist. The novel spans only three hours, ending when the typist arrives at the office. Sandwiched between are the thirty dreams and three interludes that predate the prologue and epilogue, during which time Einstein obsessed on his theory and dreamed of myriad temporal worlds through the prismatic lens of human experience. It is fitting that LIghtman uses Einstein as a vehicle through which to paint the existential dilemmas and joys of human existence, and the reader-clinician who has a systemic orientation may draw many parallels between the imaginary worlds and exigencies of real life within individual and family life cycles of development.

Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity ushered in an era that challenged linear ways of viewing the universe in many disciplines, not the least of which was psychology. Einstein shattered previous thought when he proved that time is not an absolute. What he discovered was that if you sat on a train that is either stationery or moving at a constant speed and look at another passing train without viewing the landscape, you will not be able to ascertain which train is moving and which train is at rest; you can only say that each train moves past the other at a certain relative speed. Similarly, in the psychological world of relativistic (circular) causality, no reality exists in a vacuum, but rather depends on the interconnectedness of people and events as they move through time. A second for one person may feel different than a second for another, and the view that one person sees may be quite different from that seen by another. The idea that distance and time are not absolute and depend on the motion of the observer is akin to the idea that members of a family can only be viewed in their roles in relation to one another, to the times that precede them generationally, to the times in which they live, and to the individual and shared goals they may have for the future. In addition to the fact that the normative and non-normative changes within the normal family life cycle have a circular causality, there is also a constant dialectic action and a holistic reality, wherein the family is greater than the sum total of all its members. Culturally-directed timetables, familial, intergenerational interpretation of those timeframes, and individual developmental rhythms shape the personalities, behavior, thoughts, and outcomes of people, families, and nations. Indeed, various issues cogent to the clinician in the field of marriage and family therapy must be considered against the backdrop of time.

Subjective time is dramatically different from the mechanical time upon which most societies base their members’ lives. To spend a month on a surfboard on the island of Tavarua in the Fiji Islands might seem like a shorter month than to spend a month awaiting results of a biopsy. A jetlagged individual can attest to the relativity of temporal perception. Such a dichotomy is a dialectical phenomenon that exists in our lives continuously and is described as a literal fantasy in young Einstein’s entry dated 24 April 1905 (“There are two times, mechanical and body”). To analyze the meanings of subjective and objective time is to realize the impact of time on human behavior: the rewards, consequences, limitations, possibilities, attitudes, values, belief systems, and lifestyles. And, as in the novel, everything is connected and relative to other variables, not the least of which is human reactions to the passage of time. Some worlds in the novel are bustling and chock full of action; in others, there is little that happens. In most of Lightman’s imagined worlds, the concept of linear continuity, which defines our sense of time, does not exist. What is common to all the worlds in EINSTEIN’S DREAMS is that the characters’ lives are defined by the limits the nature of time places on what is possible.

In fragmented time, relationships cannot develop. In backwards time, life demands a loss of achievement and knowledge. In fact, in a world where one dies to be born, the conventional birth mother would be seen not as the giver of life, but as the taker of life. It is interesting to consider, for example, how this might change attachment or object relations theory. The child would avoid the primary caregiver and avoid attachment to her as the woman who would signal the end of life.Death would not be the dreaded villain, but the welcomed friend. The thought of “life after death” would be looked upon with horror.

Lightman is himself an example of the dialectical nature of existence. He is a distinguished physicist and professor of creative writing at MIT, seemingly paradoxical interests. Similarly, Eisnstein discovers a theory about the outside world, even though he is a loner who lives primarily in an inner world. Indeed, EINSTEIN’S DREAMS is less a reflection of many worlds and more a reflection of all the lenses through which an individual could view his own world.

To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s couples counseling practice, visit her website at www.cunninghamtherapy.com or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation.

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At Affordable Relationship Counseling, Dr. Barbara Cunningham is guided, in large part, by the principles of Dr. Murray Bowen. Dr. Bowen offered a broad perspective on viewing clinical problems. He required an assessment of contextual factors within and between generations as far as one could research facts of family functioning. Such an assessment allowed one to view individual and family functioning as one might view a football game at the top of the bleachers instead of on the fifty yard line. What follows are favorite quotes on the subject from this seminal thinker in the field of marriage and family therapy as well as from E. O. Wilson., who influenced Dr. Bowen’s thinking.

“Family systems theory is based on the assumptions that the human is a product of evolution and that human behavior is significantly regulated by the same natural processes that regulate the behavior of all other living things.”

‘”Symbiotic relationships are a fact of nature and have an important evolutionary function.[Even]…the mother-patient symbiosis observed in schizophrenia was based on a deep (in the evolutionary sense) biological process as well as on a more obvious psychological process.”

“If animals are forced into abnormal proximitiy, they will seek distance through other means, such as hiding or averting direct gaze (E. O. Wilson, 1975)

“Differentiation [is a concept that] defines people according to the degree of fusion between emotional or intellectual functioning. This characteristic is so universal it can be used as a way of categorizing all people on a single continuum. At the lower extreme are those whose emotions and intellect are so fused that their lives are dominated by the automatic emotional system. These are the people who are less flexible, less adaptable, and more emotionally dependent on those about them. They are easily stressed into dysfunction, and it is difficult for them to recover from dysfunction. They inherit a high percentage of all human problems. At the other extreme are those who are more differentiated…[they] are more flexible, more adaptable, and more independent of the emotionality about them. They cope better with life stresses, their life courses are more orderly and successful, and they are remarkably free of human problems.”

“The concept of differentiation has to do with self and not with others. Differentiation deals iwth working on one’s own self, with controlling self, with becoming a more responsible person, and permitting others to be themselves.”

“All things being equal, the basic level of differentiation is finally established about the time the young adult establishes self separately from his family of origin.”

“Levels of differentiation are transmitted from generation to generation.”

Dr. Barbara Cunningham offers evening hours to accommodate working people who seek couples counseling and she also offers affordable rates. Her San Diego counseling office is located in the heart of Mission Valley and is open Mondays through Thursday’s. Call her for a complimentary telephone consultation at 619 9906203 or visit her website at http://www.cunninghamtherapy.com to obtain more information.

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At Affordable Relationship Counseling, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Barbara Cunningham, offers insightful counseling for individuals and couples.  Psychotherapy can provide an opportunity to improve peoples’ capacity to see their part in problematic relationship dynamics. As Valentines Day approaches, some couples may be reminded that they have needed couples counseling for a long time and have simply been putting it off. It takes courage to embark upon a course of marriage counseling, relationship counseling, or individual counseling aimed at sorting out relationship questions. It requires people to search within and stop” fingerpointing,” expecting the marriage and family therapist to “fix” their partner.  Dr. Bowen’s natural family systems approach can offer frustrated couples a new way to think about what is happening between them. Indeed, this model of therapy can empower people by creating a growing knowledge that the only person they can change is themselves. What is exciting is that a change in one will predictably produce change in the dynamic flowing between two people over time.  Listed below are some quotes from Dr. Bowen that seem applicable to couples looking for a way toward increased fulfillment and greater satisfaction in their relationship. These quotes are taken from various chapters in the book entitled Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (Murray Bowen, 1978):

(Relationships often cycle)…”through intense closeness, conflict that provides a period of emotional distance, the makeup, and another period of intense closeness.”  (p. 204)

“Many spouses experience the closest and most open relationship in their adult lives during courtship.” (p. 203)

“Two spouses begin a marriage with lifestyle patterns and levels of differentiation developed in their families-of-origin. Mating, marriage, and reproduction are governed to a significant degree by emotional-instinctual forces. The way the spouses handle them in dating and courtship and in timing and planning the marriage provides one of the best views of the level of differentiation of the spouses. The lower the level of differentiation [the cornerstone of Bowen family systems theory], the greater the potential problems for the future.” (p. 376)

“People pick spouses who have the same levels of differentiation.” (p. 377)

“Early thoughts about marriage and children are more prominent in the female than the male….A female whose early thoughts and fantasies go more to the children they will have than the man they will marry, tend to become the mothers of impaired children.” (p. 380)

“Differentiation deals with working on one’s own self [in the context of relationship], with controlling self, with becoming a more responsible person, and permitting others to be themselves.” (p. 409)

Thus, if Valentines Day is a disturbing reminder that you remain frustrated and “stuck” in negative cycles as a couple or with your partner, perhaps the holiday is a good time to take charge and make the call to a marriage counselor or relationship therapist. Dr. Cunningham offers evening hours to accommodate working couples and a complimentary 15 minute telephone consultation to see if it makes sense to book an initial appointment. She can be reached at 619 9906203.  Do not delay-make the call today!

 

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 At Affordable Relationship Counseling, Dr. Cunningham encourages couples to keep it fresh!  Generating creative ways to have fun together is one way to celebrate your commitment to one another. Such efforts help to make your relationship remain new and exciting. With Valentines Day just over a month away, why not surprise one another with dates that are outside the norm for several weekends in February? If you focus on doing your part to excite your partner with fun and adventure, you increase the chance that you will not need to seek couples counseling down the road. Here are a few ideas to create a unique experience that will result in a special relationship memory.

1. Create a five-star dining experience in your own backyard. Cover outdoor table with white linen. Decorate with a  floral centerpiece and candles. Play some background music…soft, sensual, romantic. Each of you prepare a surprise dish to accompany dinner or dessert. Be sure to take a picture or three for posterity!

2. Make your own conversation cards. Get a package of 3×5 index cards. Each partner generates 5 questions or topics that they are truly interested in learning more about the thinking of their partner. Print these questions or topics out on five cards each. Plan a “talk to one another” night. Make popcorn…or have a glass of wine. Take turns pulling a card. Talk. Practice active listening skills. Show your interest by asking more questions. Make eye contact. Body language and facial expressions should reflect engagement. Laugh. Kiss. Hug.  Be conscious of your own communication skills.

3. Write a poem together.

4. Agree to make your Valentines Day gifts to one another music. Make a romantic and personal collection to share with your partner. Play some of the music on a craft evening, when you make a collage together that in one way or another reflects your favorite memories throughout the history of your relationship.

5. Create couples‘ gratitude jars. Decorate each jar with a name tag and some ribbon. Spend one month looking to find things that you like about your partner or their behavior in a given moment. Write it out. Be specific. Fold  up each paper detailing and dating it. Put it in the jar. Try to find at least a couple of things each day. Open your jars on Valentine’s Day.

You both can enjoy generating more ideas that result in new and fun experiences. If you are interested in picking up some free relationship tips, browse Dr. Cunningham’s website: http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or if you think relationship counseling may be right for you at this point in your relationship, you can receive a complimentary telephone consultation by calling 619 9906203.

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It is the time of year during which people love to reconnect and feel the warmth of bonds that span the test of time. At Affordable Relationship Counseling San Diego, Dr. Cunningham enjoys this seasonal opportunity to offer her heartfelt wishes that everyone who has received treatment at her  practice, past and present, have a happy and healthy holiday and new year. In that spirit (and to spread a bit of Christmas/Chanukah cheer), the following story (received from a dear neighbor and friend) is shared below:

SANTA CLAUS AND GRANDMA

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: “There is no Santa Claus,” she jeered. “Even dummies know that!”

My grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of “world-famous” cinnamon buns. I knew they were world famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true. Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm.

Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. “No Santa Claus?” she snorted…”Ridiculous! Don’t believe it. That rumor has been going around for years and it makes me mad, plain mad! Now put on your coat, and let’s go.”

“Go? Go where, Grandma?” I asked. I hadn’t even finished my seond world-famous cinnamon bun. “Where” turned out to be Kerby’s General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everthing. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. “Take this money,” she said, “and buy something for someone who needs it, I’ll wait for you in the car.” Then she turned and walked out of Kerby’s.

I was only 8 years old. I’d often gone shopping with my mother, but never shoppped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping.

For a few moments, I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten dollar bill, wondering what to buy and who on earth to buy it for. I thought of everybody I knew; my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church.

I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock’s grade two class. Bobby didn’t have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn’t have a cough–he didn’t have a coat!

I fingered the ten dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat! I settled on red corduroy, one that had a hood. It looked real warm and he would like that. “Is this a Christmas present for someone?’ the lady behind the counter asked, as I laid my ten dollars down. “Yes, ma’am,” I replied shyly. “It’s for Bobby.” The nice lady smiled at me, put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, “To Bobby, From Santa Claus” on it. Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. She then drove me over to Bobby’s house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially one of Santa’s helpers. Grandma parked down the street from Bobby’s house and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge, “All right, Santa Claus,” she whispered, “get going.”

I took a deep breath, dashed for the front door, threw the presnt down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally, it did, and there stood Bobby. Fifty eight years haven’t dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker’s bushes.

That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said–they were ridiculous. Santa was alive and well and we were on his team. I still have the Bible with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.

May you always have LOVE to share, HEALTH to spare and FRIENDS who care…and may you always believe in the magic of Santa Claus!

Dr. Cunningham practices individual counseling and couples counseling for people who are looking to make better moves within their most important relationships. Stop by http://www.cunninghamtherapy.com and pick up some free counseling tips just for looking around the site. Or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation to determine whether seeking psychotherapy is right for you!  It takes courage to begin an inward journey–make the call today!

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HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2012
On this eve of Thanksgiving, I am reminded that I am blessed to travel along part of the life path of so many sojourners. At Relationship Counseling San Diego, where I provide couples counseling and individual counseling, I am pleased to offer evening hours to accommodate couples and individuals whose work schedules do not permit attending psychotherapy during daytime hours.  My model of treatment is explained on my webpage: just go to http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com and click on Model of Practice to learn more about how I work. Or call me at 619 9906203 for a complimentary phone consultation.
A wonderful neighbor sent me these beautiful words tucked into a thoughtful Thanksgiving card:
Prayer is not a “spare wheel” that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a “steering wheel” that directs the right path throughout.
 
So why is a car’s windshield so large and the rear view mirror so small? Because our past is not as important as our future. So look ahead and move on.
 
Friendship is like a book. It takes a few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.
 
All things in life are temporary. If it’s going well, enjoy it. It won’t last long. It it’s going badly, don’t worry. That won’t last long either.
 
Old friends are gold! New friends are diamonds.! If you get a diamond, don’t forget the gold! Because to hold a diamond, you always need a base of gold!
 
Often when we hose hope and this is the end, God smiles from above and says, “Relax, sweetheart, it’s just a bend, not the end!”
 
When God solves your problems, you have faith in His abilities; when God doesn’t solve your problems, He has faith in your abilities.
 
A blind person asked St. ANthony, “Can there be anything worse than losing eyesight?” He replied, “Yes, losing your vision!”
 
When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; sometimes when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.
 
Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles; it takes away today’s peace.”
May the spirit of the season guide your heart throughout the year. Happy Thanksgiving From Affordable Relationship Counseling San Diego!
 

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