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Archive for the ‘resilience’ Category

At times, the pain of separation seems more than we can bear; but love and understanding can help us pass through the darkness toward the light. And in truth, grief is a great teacher, when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. . . . Thus, even when they are gone, the departed are with us, moving us to live as, in their higher moments, they themselves wished to live. We remember them now; they live in our hearts; they are an abiding blessing. ~Jewish mourners’ Kaddish (Central Conference of Rabbis, 1992)

Dr. Barbara Cunningham offers insightful counseling to survivors of homicide, specializing in helping sibling survivors move through their grief and their loss (read about her model of practice at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com).

According to the U. S. Department of Commerce (1991), almost 2 million children from birth through 18 years of age become bereaved siblings each year. Although homicide is the least frequent form of violent dying, it may have the most profound and lasting impact on surviving family members (Rynearson, 2001). Since the mid-1980s, the rate of murder committed by youth has doubled, increasing by 102% (State Legislative Responses to Violent Juvenile Crime, 1996-1997). Homicide survivors are defined as significant others who are left behind to mourn victims of homicide. While society recognizes that the violent loss of a child is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can confront, there is little societal recognition of the impact of such a loss upon surviving siblings (Fanos, 1996). Despite the large number of adolescents and young adults who are faced with this catastrophic personal and family crisis, there is a lack of theoretical constructs and systemic treatments from which to generate a theory of sibling bereavement (Walsh & McGoldrick, 2004).

The loss of a brother or sister has a lasting effect on the overall development of the surviving sibling and the family system, and it is extraordinary that so little attention has been directed at understanding the impact of loss in young adulthood upon both individual and family life cycles (Carter & McGoldrick, 1999). The role and function sibling relationships play in identity formation is becoming recognized as a powerful force in personality development (Provence & Solnit, 1983).

Complicated grief is often part of the clinical picture with sibling survivors of homicide (Rando, 1993). In this blog, complicated grief is defined as involving an intensity of symptoms that affect people over an extended length of time or as barriers to daily living caused by grief (Weiss, 2000). Green, Lindy, Grace, and Gleser (1989) found that the experience of surviving the homicide of a loved one frequently led to complicated grief reactions. Rynearson (1984) pointed out that “the manner of dying rather than the event of death determines the meaning of death, which in turn influences the form and cause of bereavement” (p. 1452).

Allen (1991) noted that surviving the homicide of a family member was detrimental to the survivors’ psychological well being because homicide is “stigmatizing, unnatural, especially burdensome, and unexpected” (p. 18). Parkes and Weiss (1983) empirically supported their belief that the mental health effects of homicide on survivors were more pronounced than those experienced by individuals who lose a loved one because of an anticipated death. Furthermore, Allen (1991) noted that “the closer the survivor and the victim were, the more difficult the bereavement” (p. 20). Raphael’s (1983) summary seems the most appropriate to conceptualize the severity of the grief experienced by relatives of a homicide victim: “First degree family members are the ones who are the most impacted by the death, and the greater a family member is involved with the deceased, the more deeply the loss is felt” (p. 67). Kubler-Ross’s (1969) stage model of grieving has not been useful in helping these forgotten grievers to feel validated in their need to remain spiritually and emotionally connected to their deceased loved ones and to surviving family members (Walsh & McGoldrick, 2004). Instead, a model of treatment that has a deeper perspective and that examines multigenerational and emotionally interdependent functioning is needed (Bowen, 1976; Walsh & McGoldrick, 2004).

In addition to therapy focused upon issues of grief and loss, especially in the context of violent crimes, Dr. Cunningham also specializes in couples counseling, marriage counseling, and individual counseling/psychotherapy. To learn more information about Dr. Cunningham and her systemic model of practice, visit her website at http://www.cunninghamtherapy.com/ or call her at 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation.

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  In my private practice in San Diego, I work to provide quality services for marriage counseIing, relationship counseling, and individual psychotherapy. Oftentimes, I listen to young girls and women of all ages obsess about their weight, their appearance and their disappearing youth. I try to provide a safe holding environment as they work to relieve themselves of the overwhelming social pressures to be the prettiest, the skinniest, and the sexiest version of themselves they can create. I coach them to practice self care and take pride in themselves. However, I also coach them to make their life purpose revolve around what they can accomplish rather than merely upon a superficial and dangerous emphasis upon appearance and youth.

After talking at lunch with a close friend and colleague about the troubles of Demi Moore, I had a moment to reflect upon society’s demands to value appearance over substance. Magazines, movies, tv shows, and internet blogs seem to scream that “youth” trumps wisdom-that what we wear matters more than what we think. Some young women and many older women buy into this message so passionately that they kill themselves trying to meet these youthful, botoxed, skinny standards.

This week,  ABC News reported on Demi Moore’s downward spiral as reflecting her obsession with losing weight and battling against the clock as she approaches the big 5-0.  After public humiliation in the face of her estranged younger husband, Ashton Kutcher, betraying her with gorgeous, younger women, she seemingly dropped off her own psychological cliff. Demi appeared so emaciated in this week’s photos that she could have been mistaken for a cancer patient. Sad. Really sad. As she moves into a new decade, her refusal to eat seemed to say symbolically that she just could not swallow it. That she simply wants to disappear. 

Moore’s reported erratic behavior and alleged drug abuse sends a loud message to her daughters that adulthood is not fun and that aging gracefully must be for fools. She makes it appear that it is devastating to cross from youth to middle age. This woman’s daughters are learning deep lessons by watching their mother. Partying with their mother. Suffering as they watch their mother suffer. Wondering if growing older is really as devastating as Mom would have them believe. Moore reportedly gave an interview to Harper’s Bazaar and said, “What scares me is that I am ultimately going to find out at the end of my life that I am not really loveable, that I’m not worthy of being loved…that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.”

When daughters watch their mothers obsess about weight, worry about their changing appearances, be more ambitious about choosing their wardrobes than they are about the enduring consequences of their life choices and try to “hang” with and/or marry much younger men in an effort to cling to their own youth, they are receiving a devastating message. As mothers, we must realize that we are always modeling something–but what? In fact, the deepest lessons our daughters learn is by watching what we do, not what we say. So what are the lessons that we teach our daughters by our own actions?

Little girls learn at an early age if Mom is more concerned with style over substance. Sadly, Rumor, Scout and Talullah may have learned that their mother believes that her greatest value is in her appearance–that her validity as a human being is wrapped up in what she weighs, how she looks, and whether she is still “hot.” In a mad effort to deny her own mortality, she hangs with young people and seemingly tries to deny she is turning fifty with erratic behavior and recreational drugs. If Demi’s daughters are fortunate, they will look at life and their own intrinsic value differently than their mother. They will try to make meaning out of their life in a way that honors experience and wisdom over youth and appearance. Instead of survival of the prettiest, they will see their survival as being rooted in resilience-in the lessons they can discover that are present, but must be uncovered, in each of their life challenges.  Hopefully, Ms. Moore will benefit from professional help so that she can turn her life around. As a woman and as a mother who is facing myriad challenges, she now has an opportunity to teach her children more about the meaning of life by giving new meaning to her own. She has the opportunity to show that there is no shame in stumbling if one picks themselves up from the fall. She can model the joy of recovery from all of the Sturm and Drang so publically displayed. She has the opportunity to review and perhaps modify her values that have privileged vanity over inner substance gained from a life well lived. She has the opportunity to bounce forward, not just back-because of, not in spite of, her recent adversities.

To learn more about Dr. Cunningham‘s strength-based practice, visit her website at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or call her at 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation.

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At Affordable Relationship Counseling in San Diego, CA, Dr. Barbara Cunningham offers a resiliency or strength-based approach to counseling, whether she is treating individuals, couples, and marital partners. She views challenges as a natural and an expected part of what it means to live a life. When we expect life to be nothing but rainbows, smooth seas, and laughter, we set ourselves up for bitter disappointment. Life is a fabric, a woven tapestry of good with bad, difficult with easy, happy with sad, sickness and health. Having realistic expectations going in to life transitions, such as marriage, parenting, and career changes, is part of the ability to function well. Some people become so paralyzed by change, transitions, and challenges that they never move forward–they are frozen in whatever place they were emotionally before the onset of the change, transition, or challenge. Others merely “get through it.” And then there are those who seem to thrive and prosper as they sail from navigating stormy sea after stormy sea. Who are these thrivers and how did they get that way? Differences in the way one thinks about life and the way one lives in one’s relationships can make one’s life look very different. How we think about things affects how things come out in many cases.

So what about those people who thrive as opposed to merely surviving through their life challenges? Wolin and Wolin (1993) discuss such resilient people in their book entitled THE RESILIENT SELF: HOW SURVIVORS OF TROUBLED FAMILIES RISE ABOUT ADVERSITY. How is it that some people have the capacity to rebound from hardship in a way that they bounce FORWARD (as opposed to merely bouncing back)? This is the book to read if you are interested in resilience and a useful synthesis of research and clinical experiences on the subject. The book will help the reader abandon the notion that they are not captains of their own ship. After completing this book, the reader will appreciate that they can shape their life rather than being shaped by childhood experiences beyond their control. The Wolins call their approach the “Challenge Model” as opposed to the “Damage Model,” as used by movements such as Adult Children of Alcoholics. People, for example, who overcome childhood trauma may view their experiences as giving them a badge of courage, a kind of Survivor’s Pride.  Strategies are discussed, case examples are provided, and insights are offered as a result of conceptualizing cases from this Challenge Model perspective.

No one escapes life without scars. Rather than incapacite us, painful feelings can sharpen our sense of joy and gratitude.  How one can rise from adversity and rise like a phoenix out of the ashes is at the core of this book. Read it and be inspired!

To learn more about Dr. Cunningham’s model of practice, visit http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com or call 619 9906203 for a complimentary telephone consultation. Dr. Cunningham specializes in couples counseling and marriage counseling. She also is expert at counseling individuals looking to make sense of their part in relationship challenges.

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