Couples counseling that is effective looks to identify the reciprocity in a couple’s sequences or cycles of behavior and then to empower the couple to interrupt this reciprocal functioning. Dr. Murray Bowen and Dr. Michael Kerr (1988), pioneers in the field of marriage and family therapy, frequently noticed that “[couples] functioned in reciprocal relation to one another….It was if one person gained or ‘borrowed’ strength in relationship to the other person having lost or given up strength. The functioning of one person, therefore, could not be adequately understood out of the context of the functioning of the people closely involved with him” (p. 7).*
Thus, the ability to think in opposites is helpful when one is working to shift a negative dynamic in a couple’s pattern of behavior. There are many examples of reciprocity in a couples relationship, some of which include overfunctioning/underfunctioning, pursuing/withdrawing; spending/saving; or liberal parenting style/strict parenting style. In the case of overfunctioning/underfunctioning reciprocity, for example, the overfunctioner is, in actuality, defining the underfunctioning of the other person and vice-versa. This is disempowerment at its best! It is usually the overfunctioning partner who is in more discomfort and, therefore, the therapist will work first with this person to decrease the overfunctioning. The underfunctioning partner has a “cushier,” more comfortable position and may not be as motivated toward change. Can you think of any more examples of reciprocal or opposite positions in your own couples dynamic? The key is to remember that a couple may be exaggerating their “automatic” behavior in reaction to their partner’s mirror opposite “automatic” behavior. Thus, polarization is the outcome over time in the old adage “opposites attract.” While attraction to an “opposite” may be true initially, the very thing that may have once attracted begins to repel.
The work is often to identify the partner who is in the most emotional pain as the person to begin to work with in decreasing their “go to” position and perhaps taking on the opposite behavior. The person who is working to decrease his/her automatic functioning in response to his/her partner may be pressured to “change back” by the other partner in the early stages of efforts to change. The strength of a couples system to try to hold on to its equilibrium, even if the equilibrium is not useful, is fierce! The couples dynamic is stuck, and, even though not useful, may be difficult to change! The therapist coaches the change partner to just “hold on” to the change and, eventually, the other partner may begin to respond by toning down their behavior in the opposite direction. This is the beginning of a true shift in a “stuck” dynamic. To learn more about reciprocity and couples counseling with Dr. Cunningham, call 619 9906203 for a complimentary phone consultation. You may also visit her website at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com
*Kerr, M.E. & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
